Four

Tonight, I find myself questioning again.

Last week you broke me, I never felt more alone than I did when my heart fell so deep down into my stomach. All memories were wiped. Our future was grey. My heart instantly sank. 

I locked myself away but I didn't cry though I wish I did cause it would make everything better. But nope, I did not and that's when I knew, I knew something was wrong. You told me you were joking and you instantly regretted it. I remembered times when I said things I didn't mean and instantly regretted it. Yet I said them because they were my thoughts and the truth. Does this means it's the same for you too?

3 years and only now you think I am weird? 3 years but you still don't know what would hurt me and what would be a joke to me? 3 years yet "I'm sorry" never felt more empty than it should. 3 years and "I love you" has lost it's purpose.

I said I would try. But am I afraid? 

I said I can let go. But did I truly?

Then you came and hugged me to sleep, the feeling I missed the most and never got from you. That night, I felt safe again. But happiness is ultimately just a dream.

One week and a phone call later, I still am stuck with the feeling of nothingness. The feeling of a heartbreak and the plagued uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I'm throwing a tantrum with myself, just to torture myself. Other times I wonder if I'm really ok with this situation of "oh well, saw that coming" happening more than I'm used to.

You said we have no plans so you'll come and go as you like. Then you added maybe my parents will mind, given the circuit breaker and mountain of rules. So I waited for you to ask "will you mind?", yet waiting was all I got.  What games am I trying to play with myself here? Telling you not to come yet you did a week ago. Hoping you would come yet you don't now. 

I tried to tell myself, maybe I am not afraid, maybe I am not lonely. Then I told myself that things will get better and in the blink of an eye, I've told myself that for 3 years now but did it? Many times I could see, though happiness is something we crave, it is not something we have, not something we have together. So then the question of what do we have dawns on me.

Nights like these, I imagine how things would be if we stay together. Imagine how things would be if we got old. Sadly, I don't think I can marry, not with a heart so empty.

Then again, how much of all these do you even know?

with luv, xoxo.