Hi there. Been awhile hasn't it?
2020 has been unexciting and very horrifying thus far. Alright, maybe horrifying is an overstatement but I haven't been enjoying it one bit.
I left a job I really fancy and a place I felt comfortable in to somewhere near but new and hostile. Don't get me wrong, the new place has friendly colleagues and the benefits are way better but it's so political under the table. It scares me that every other day I'm questioning myself whether I've made the right choice. Picking progression over comfort. Picking competition over peace.
Maybe it is just a phase I have to go through, the whole new environment and adaptation and what not. I mean it's always this way when I'm just starting out right? But ironically I find myself lagging behind and self-pressuring myself to catch up on a solo race with the sole participant being me, myself and I.
Just what did I get myself into?
Hmm..
I start to ask myself why I'm still up at 2.30am on a work night (is it really due to work?) only to find myself struggling on whether or not I should start to re-evaluate something I've held close to my heart for the past 3 years. It's honestly been all fun and laughter for the past 3 years but all the differences that I've chose to ignore and swept under the carpet are evidently surfacing,
I guess the difference is I chose to tell you that we should get married because I am wiling to stake my happiness in your hands but you chose to see it as a phase in a financially stable life. I guess the difference is that I chose to buy a house cause I want to build a family with you but you chose to buy a house cause it is a good investment. I guess the difference is I want to have kids we can call our own and nurture them into beautiful beings but you see kids as a liability and a reason for failure. I guess the difference is you see distance as a chance to grow fonder of each other but I see distance as an insecurity in life. I guess the difference is you see her as a friend but I see her as someone who once had what I have.
You said we cannot make this work if we do not see eye to eye and I fell silent for a minute. Why do we not give up then? It is tiring isn't it? I almost did, I really almost did.
Then I felt a little heart ache when I saw you keeping a polaroid of myself in your wallet, one that I've totally forgotten is even with you.
Then I got reminded of the times when my mum was hospitalised and you were here with me every night though most days you complained about being in the hospital with me all morning and night but you were still there.
Then I remembered how you sacrificed and drove all the way to the airport with me to fetch my relatives because you said "if a family member asked, I would do it so I guess that's why I agreed" to something you absolutely hate doing but did as no one else could, given the event of grandpa's passing.
I guess I have to decide now whether 3 years is a time long enough to judge what we have or is a lifetime too short to understand what we have.
You are stubborn, that I am fully aware. I hope you'll change, that I am clearly trying.
All that is left is whether we'll love each other enough to make loving ourselves a lot harder than it should be or will we love ourselves enough to make loving each other simply just a dream. I guess that only time will tell.
Bye now.
with luv, xoxo.
