Helloooo. It's been a while, a long while. It gets awkward at times when I chance upon this space and start to read what I've wrote in the past. Memories, the good and the bad, both made me who I am today.
I'm scared though, it's the last 2 weeks of Uni before I'm officially done. I don't know what I want but who does? I mean, I really don't. This is weird, is it suppose to be this way? Hmm. I get questioned a lot on what I'd venture into or wish to work as once I'm done. I've always believed that once I've found something I love, I'd know what I want. However, I've yet to found something I really love doing at this point.
It's a huge step. Can you imagine spending so much of your time, let's say 5days a week and clocking in 8 hours or so daily doing the same old thing? It's a scary thought. It's even scarier that I'm being rushed into it simply because that's what everyone else in the society does. I don't have a plan.
Rather, I don't have a long term plan. I know what I'll be doing next month, clocking in hours at TCL and killing my legs in the process. I also know what I'll be doing in June, spending 16 days in Kore then coming back to a newly renovated room. Sadly, not my dream room as there's a lot of things that can't be put into action given how restricted the space is. I too do know what I'll be doing in July, awaiting graduation ceremony and wearing the hideous blue robe with the long awaited square cap.
This is all though, what I've planned in my life so far. I got reprimanded for prioritizing leisure over future and subsequently fun over seriousness. However, I don't regret though. I know deep down I'm not into working yet, nobody ever is and as immature as I make it sound, I'm just not ready. There's only so much I can do once I start working but there's really so much I wanna do now.
It's a stretch to say I wish to volunteer overseas to help out those in need since I have problems even taking care of myself but just because I'm not capable to do it physically doesn't mean I don't wish to do it. I believe that we humans should always be thankful for what we're given. We should always be happy with what we have though it is okay to ask for more but what we already have should not be taken for granted.
I want to see. I want to feel. I want to remember how it is like for someone to be less fortunate than us but happier than us. It's easy to forget what we want when we always compare ourselves to someone that is more privileged than us but I want even more so to remember how it feels when I see someone that is less privileged than us and actually try to make a difference in their lives.
They say a degree is all you need. They say education is all you need. They say work experience is all you need. How true are those? More than often not, you've already lost yourself while trying to attain these. I want to find myself and like myself better. I want to learn things that can be totally useless but interesting to me. Everything I know is an asset. Why must I work and use it to show my worth? It's not that I won't work at all and have no plans to, in fact I do have plans to work and I know exactly what I should avoid but I don't want to just be an application that appears on table top and forgotten after wards.
Is my image problematic? Or are the words I said taken with less seriousness? I don't know though, I don't get what others don't know because I know and I don't see why I need to let others know when all that it affects is still me after all.
There's a guy too, someone I met online. I wasn't interested originally, it was just for fun then things went out of the app and go into chats. It reminded me a lot of the past. The thought, the way things are, the words used and the actions made. It is weird though, like I saw a replica. It's even weirder that I allowed myself to dive into it. We're friends, it's clear we're friends, we've talked about it and ended up still being friends.
I wish I had something to offer, I really wish I do but I have none, Is it my fault? I can be alone. We both can be alone but I'm happier and I laugh more when he's around. Our intentions were different when we ventured in but somehow our paths crossed and we ended up where we're today. It's tough actually, trying to make things work when you're not even hoping to try at all.
Dating and being in a relationship is very different to me. Even dating has two different categories in my opinion. I don't want a shell with no soul. Neither would I want to offer a shell with no soul. It's tough though as we have our own demons to fight and our own problems to get over. Yet we chose to stay for the fun.
"What are we now?". Third time's the charm but how much charm do I want it to spare on this? My mind's a blank though. I need to sort out my own feelings to not be invested into this. Matters momentarily won Mind earlier on but I guess it's time to let Mind win over Matters now.
It's all quite interesting though, knowing how my life is changing. I hope I survive, after all, what goes around comes around.
with love, xoxo.
