Four

Tonight, I find myself questioning again.

Last week you broke me, I never felt more alone than I did when my heart fell so deep down into my stomach. All memories were wiped. Our future was grey. My heart instantly sank. 

I locked myself away but I didn't cry though I wish I did cause it would make everything better. But nope, I did not and that's when I knew, I knew something was wrong. You told me you were joking and you instantly regretted it. I remembered times when I said things I didn't mean and instantly regretted it. Yet I said them because they were my thoughts and the truth. Does this means it's the same for you too?

3 years and only now you think I am weird? 3 years but you still don't know what would hurt me and what would be a joke to me? 3 years yet "I'm sorry" never felt more empty than it should. 3 years and "I love you" has lost it's purpose.

I said I would try. But am I afraid? 

I said I can let go. But did I truly?

Then you came and hugged me to sleep, the feeling I missed the most and never got from you. That night, I felt safe again. But happiness is ultimately just a dream.

One week and a phone call later, I still am stuck with the feeling of nothingness. The feeling of a heartbreak and the plagued uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I'm throwing a tantrum with myself, just to torture myself. Other times I wonder if I'm really ok with this situation of "oh well, saw that coming" happening more than I'm used to.

You said we have no plans so you'll come and go as you like. Then you added maybe my parents will mind, given the circuit breaker and mountain of rules. So I waited for you to ask "will you mind?", yet waiting was all I got.  What games am I trying to play with myself here? Telling you not to come yet you did a week ago. Hoping you would come yet you don't now. 

I tried to tell myself, maybe I am not afraid, maybe I am not lonely. Then I told myself that things will get better and in the blink of an eye, I've told myself that for 3 years now but did it? Many times I could see, though happiness is something we crave, it is not something we have, not something we have together. So then the question of what do we have dawns on me.

Nights like these, I imagine how things would be if we stay together. Imagine how things would be if we got old. Sadly, I don't think I can marry, not with a heart so empty.

Then again, how much of all these do you even know?

with luv, xoxo.

Three

Hi there. Been awhile hasn't it?

2020 has been unexciting and very horrifying thus far. Alright, maybe horrifying is an overstatement but I haven't been enjoying it one bit.

I left a job I really fancy and a place I felt comfortable in to somewhere near but new and hostile. Don't get me wrong, the new place has friendly colleagues and the benefits are way better but it's so political under the table. It scares me that every other day I'm questioning myself whether I've made the right choice. Picking progression over comfort. Picking competition over peace.

Maybe it is just a phase I have to go through, the whole new environment and adaptation and what not. I mean it's always this way when I'm just starting out right? But ironically I find myself lagging behind and self-pressuring myself to catch up on a solo race with the sole participant being me, myself and I.

Just what did I get myself into?

Hmm..

I start to ask myself why I'm still up at 2.30am on a work night (is it really due to work?) only to find myself struggling on whether or not I should start to re-evaluate something I've held close to my heart for the past 3 years. It's honestly been all fun and laughter for the past 3 years but all the differences that I've chose to ignore and swept under the carpet are evidently surfacing,

I guess the difference is I chose to tell you that we should get married because I am wiling to stake my happiness in your hands but you chose to see it as a phase in a financially stable life. I guess the difference is that I chose to buy a house cause I want to build a family with you but you chose to buy a house cause it is a good investment. I guess the difference is I want to have kids we can call our own and nurture them into beautiful beings but you see kids as a liability and a reason for failure. I guess the difference is you see distance as a chance to grow fonder of each other but I see distance as an insecurity in life. I guess the difference is you see her as a friend but I see her as someone who once had what I have.

You said we cannot make this work if we do not see eye to eye and I fell silent for a minute. Why do we not give up then? It is tiring isn't it? I almost did, I really almost did.

Then I felt a little heart ache when I saw you keeping a polaroid of myself in your wallet, one that I've totally forgotten is even with you.

Then I got reminded of the times when my mum was hospitalised and you were here with me every night though most days you complained about being in the hospital with me all morning and night but you were still there.

Then I remembered how you sacrificed and drove all the way to the airport with me to fetch my relatives because you said "if a family member asked, I would do it so I guess that's why I agreed" to something you absolutely hate doing but did as no one else could, given the event of grandpa's passing.

I guess I have to decide now whether 3 years is a time long enough to judge what we have or is a lifetime too short to understand what we have. 

You are stubborn, that I am fully aware. I hope you'll change, that I am clearly trying. 

All that is left is whether we'll love each other enough to make loving ourselves a lot harder than it should be or will we love ourselves enough to make loving each other simply just a dream. I guess that only time will tell.

Bye now.

with luv, xoxo.

Look into my eyes

everything will be alright 

你不要害怕

我不会忍心离开

我要抹去你眼中的泪 

带你离开这伤害 

到我这儿来 

所有伤心的小孩

冷漠的世界

听不到你的呼喊

幼小的身体

如何抵挡这风寒

Every child is a star of hope

burning so bright

抱紧我

靠在我胸口

我会永远永远的爱你

用我全部的生命

在这无穷无尽时光里

守护着你

Put a smile back on your face

and I want you to keep in mind

Every life is a miracle

cuz you are beautiful

冷漠的世界

听不到你的呼喊

幼小的身体

如何抵挡这风寒

Every child is a star of hope

burning so bright

抱紧我

靠在我胸口

我会永远永远的爱你

用我全部的生命

在这无穷无尽时光里

守护着你

Put a smile back on your face

and I want you to keep in mind

Every life is a miracle

cuz you are beautiful

You are beautiful

cuz you are beautiful

cuz you are beautiful

You are beautiful

旁人在　淡出终于只有你共我一起

仍然自问幸福虽说有阵时为你生气

其实以前和你互相不懂得死心塌地

直到共你渡过多灾世纪 

即使身边世事再毫无道理

与你永远亦连在一起

你不放下我　我不放下你

我想确定每日挽住同样的手臂

不敢早死要来陪住你

我已试够别离并不很凄美

我还如何撇下你 

年华像细水冲走几个爱人与知己

抬头命运射灯光柱罩下来剩我跟你

难道有人离去是想显出好光阴有限

让我学会为你贪生怕死

即使身边世事再毫无道理

与你永远亦连在一起

你不放下我　我不放下你

我想确定每日挽著同样的手臂

不敢早死要来陪住你

我已试够别离并不很凄美 见尽了　

云涌风起　还怎么舍得放下你

 证明爱人又爱己　何以要那么悲壮才合理 

即使身边世事再毫无道理

与你永远亦连在一起

你不放下我　我不放下你

我想确定每日挽著同样一双臂

不必挑选我们成大器

当我两个并无冒险的福气

见尽了　云涌风起　还怎么舍得放下你

我们　仍珍惜这啖气

Two

Writing doesn't feel the same unless it's done on keyboards with actual keys and not just a touch screen. Feels weird actually? Been awhile since I've wrote and things have changed, yet again. I wonder how long I can actually keep up with it. Is it pulling me along? Or am I steering it towards the direction I want it to be?

I'm scared.

But who knows? Nobody. Maybe that's the key to being safe.

Been debating with myself on whether I should write for quite awhile now, still can't seem to get the answer though, always going towards extreme ends on days I experience different emotions. A little foreign I must say, this whole emotions thingy? Thought I lost it awhile back but apparently not.

Ahh, shall write when there's a proper keyboard and at a better timing than 4 in the morning I guess? Can't seem to put my thoughts into proper sentences without the sound of my fingers actually tapping onto something.

Till then.

with love, xoxo.

One

Helloooo. It's been a while, a long while. It gets awkward at times when I chance upon this space and start to read what I've wrote in the past. Memories, the good and the bad, both made me who I am today.

I'm scared though, it's the last 2 weeks of Uni before I'm officially done. I don't know what I want but who does? I mean, I really don't. This is weird, is it suppose to be this way? Hmm. I get questioned a lot on what I'd venture into or wish to work as once I'm done. I've always believed that once I've found something I love, I'd know what I want. However, I've yet to found something I really love doing at this point.

It's a huge step. Can you imagine spending so much of your time, let's say 5days a week and clocking in 8 hours or so daily doing the same old thing? It's a scary thought. It's even scarier that I'm being rushed into it simply because that's what everyone else in the society does. I don't have a plan.

Rather, I don't have a long term plan. I know what I'll be doing next month, clocking in hours at TCL and killing my legs in the process. I also know what I'll be doing in June, spending 16 days in Kore then coming back to a newly renovated room. Sadly, not my dream room as there's a lot of things that can't be put into action given how restricted the space is. I too do know what I'll be doing in July, awaiting graduation ceremony and wearing the hideous blue robe with the long awaited square cap.

This is all though, what I've planned in my life so far. I got reprimanded for prioritizing leisure over future and subsequently fun over seriousness. However, I don't regret though. I know deep down I'm not into working yet, nobody ever is and as immature as I make it sound, I'm just not ready. There's only so much I can do once I start working but there's really so much I wanna do now.

It's a stretch to say I wish to volunteer overseas to help out those in need since I have problems even taking care of myself but just because I'm not capable to do it physically doesn't mean I don't wish to do it. I believe that we humans should always be thankful for what we're given. We should always be happy with what we have though it is okay to ask for more but what we already have should not be taken for granted.

I want to see. I want to feel. I want to remember how it is like for someone to be less fortunate than us but happier than us. It's easy to forget what we want when we always compare ourselves to someone that is more privileged than us but I want even more so to  remember how it feels when I see someone that is less privileged than us and actually try to make a difference in their lives.

They say a degree is all you need.  They say education is all you need. They say work experience is all you need. How true are those? More than often not, you've already lost yourself while trying to attain these. I want to find myself and like myself better. I want to learn things that can be totally useless but interesting to me. Everything I know is an asset. Why must I work and use it to show my worth? It's not that I won't work at all and have no plans to, in fact I do have plans to work and I know exactly what I should avoid but I don't want to just be an application that appears on table top and forgotten after wards.

Is my image problematic? Or are the words I said taken with less seriousness? I don't know though, I don't get what others don't know because I know and I don't see why I need to let others know when all that it affects is still me after all.

There's a guy too, someone I met online. I wasn't interested originally, it was just for fun then things went out of the app and go into chats. It reminded me a lot of the past. The thought, the way things are, the words used and the actions made. It is weird though, like I saw a replica. It's even weirder that I allowed myself to dive into it. We're friends, it's clear we're friends, we've talked about it and ended up still being friends.

I wish I had something to offer, I really wish I do but I have none, Is it my fault? I can be alone. We both can be alone but I'm happier and I laugh more when he's around. Our intentions were different when we ventured in but somehow our paths crossed and we ended up where we're today. It's tough actually, trying to make things work when you're not even hoping to try at all.

Dating and being in a relationship is very different to me. Even dating has two different categories in my opinion. I don't want a shell with no soul. Neither would I want to offer a shell with no soul. It's tough though as we have our own demons to fight and our own problems to get over. Yet we chose to stay for the fun.

"What are we now?". Third time's the charm but how much charm do I want it to spare on this? My mind's a blank though. I need to sort out my own feelings to not be invested into this. Matters momentarily won Mind earlier on but I guess it's time to let Mind win over Matters now.

It's all quite interesting though, knowing how my life is changing. I hope I survive, after all, what goes around comes around.

with love, xoxo.